A guide for the modern girl

This month’s Cosmo magazine proves what I have suspected for years. They ran out of actual stories long ago and now spend their days messing with their readers.

“Let’s see if we can get people to… wear live frogs as jewelry and carry old potato sacks as purses!”

“Awesome. Then next month, we can tell them how to recycle those old sack purses into skirts. And that the latest workout fad is hopping on one foot down a busy sidewalk.”

“If I see someone hopping to the subway stop next month, I’ll give you ten bucks.”

“You’re on.”

Actually, this exchange would never happen, because it’s too thrifty and focuses too much on crafts. The real exchange probably included a fashion designer who pays them to do a photo shoot with her $500 potato sack skirts.

Now, I have nothing against fashion, or spending money on anything you want, or working out in whatever way works for you. But Cosmo? Is messing with us.

I’m not generally a Cosmo reader, but when I’m in the airport waiting to board a plane, in my “must need something to distract me from hyperventilation. must not focus on idea of voluntarily getting into huge piece of metal so it can take me thousands of feet in the sky” phase, I grab just about anything. I also grabbed US Weekly so I could read about “Ben in love” and J. Lo flirting with P. Diddy if that tells you anything about my state of mind.

Actual things in the October issue

The “advanced sex tricks” article suggests that girls get into the “reverse cowgirl” position and then as he nears climax… pull on his big toe. No really. This is the actual advice. I asked my boyfriend what he thought. “I think that would ruin the mood really fast.” He also looked a little alarmed that I was reading a magazine with advice such as this, since what else might it be suggesting I do to him? And he seemed to get a little protective of his toes. I don’t really have to worry that he’ll try anything similar with my toes, since he just last week deemed them “disgusting” (and all I did was show him my blisters and ask him to massage my feet) and only this morning actually ran from my toe. (I had to show him how the toenail on my big toe has broken completely off. Well, I had to show him. I needed the sympathy! Of course, running away repulsed was not exactly the sympathy I had in mind).

In any case, feel free to give this a try. Then e-mail the Cosmo editors and let them know how it went so a struggling writer can get her ten bucks.

Katie Holmes loves “buying sweaters in the fall.” OMG! I am just like Katie! Like, in the fall, I get all cold and stuff, and so then I want to wear something warm. Like a sweater. Because, you know, they’re warm and all. Some advice from Katie for those planning to get married: “The woman should be in charge, definitely. You want the wedding to actually happen.” So the secret to marriage success is to be a nagging controlling woman with a slacker man? Let’s just move on.

The editor of Cosmo was a presenter as this year’s FiFi Awards (the Oscars of the fragrance world). Apparently, they give awards to the perfume that makes you cry the most or something. I mean, Oscars of the fragrance world? I just…

Oh! Here’s a good one. Ways to tell a guy is in love with you. He photoshops your sixth-grade pictures together to see what your kids would look like. So, they’re just blatently ripping off movies now? You’d think that if they’re going to give you crappy advice, the least they could do is make it up themselves. And speaking of crappy advice, another way to tell about the love is if, during a night out with the guys, he text messages you the lyrics to Clay Aiken’s “This is the Night.” Um, probably if he knows the lyrics to a Clay Aiken song? He’s trying to tell you that he’s gay.

We also learn that famous people get followed the paparazzi a lot and they actually don’t like it so much. The famous people that is. Cosmo is apparently trying to rebrand itself as a breaking news magazine.

The new fashion is to wear blazers that look like they belong to your toddler. No, I am not making this up, people. Seriously. The other new fashion is to wear knee high boots with jeans. Of course, you have to roll up your pant legs to right above the boot line. Which, yes, would be at your knee. Pirates are very hip, right?

It’s not considered classy to order a shot of tequila at the beginning of a date. I asked my boyfriend about this too. “Right. You shouldn’t order a shot. I get all the shots.”

Other relationship tidbits: let “your guy” shave you “down there”; get naked with him but skip the boring candles; relax with him and light relaxing candles; wrap his penis in plastic wrap (again, send those e-mails to the editors! they need that ten bucks!).

Cosmo isn’t just about sex and clothes though. They also suggest women buy those horrifying “right-hand rings”, but to wear them on a different finger than the ring finger, because some guys don’t know that it’s just the left hand that means married, so they might get confused. Also, there’s instructions on how to change a flat tire in stilettos (“call AAA if you’re a member!”) and how to save money (“you have to find a way to spend less or earn more!”). In work situations, they suggest being more aggressive by pointing a pen towards the person you’re speaking to and to stand with your feet seven inches apart. If someone points a pen at me at work and then looks down and counts the inches between their feet, I will definitely know they mean business.

If you want more details on how to wrap your boyfriend’s penis in plastic wrap for maximum pleasure or the angle at which you should point the pen, I think the October issue should still be available. At least at the airport. Where they figure if you’ll willingly get into claustrophobic container that hurls you thousands of miles an hour through the air, well, you’ll try anything.

This entry was posted in Life. Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.