One thing about visiting my family is that they hold up a mirror to the very worst parts of me, my biggest weaknesses, the things I like to bury down deep and pretend don’t exist. But exist they do, and I’ve been letting them win over the good parts of me a bit too much lately. I’m generally strong, pragmatic, objective, and I think a lot of that came from growing up with an adamant desire not to be like my family. But I’ve been away from them a lot, and it’s good to be reminded of what I don’t want to be. I spent so much time these last few days thinking, look people. Either buck up and deal or make a change. These things are entirely within your control and complaining about the same things over and over will not help anything and will only serve to make me crazier than I already am. And then I realized I could be talking to myself. And I am making myself crazy.
I just need to shut the fuck up already and take control of my life. I am foolishly wasting an inordinate amount of energy complaining about my situation. And being ridiculously insecure. And all of this is completely within my control. Good God, I need to buck up or make a change.
Life be be hard, and the only thing you can do is deal with things as they come. I want easy answers, but I’m not going to get them. So, I need to stop waiting for them. I need to make my own path and stop waiting for some glowy, magical path to show itself to me. Because it won’t.
So, I make a path and I feel some relief, but am I happy? No. I’m conflicted, overwhelmed, stressed, uncertain, I doubt myself, I question the path. I’m at that place, that place I seem to keep coming back to where I’m stepping out into darkness with only faith that I’ll step out onto solid ground.
And I wonder, why do I keep coming to this place? Why am I here, in the dark, questioning myself again? I don’t have the answers. All I can do, right now in this moment, is take a step.