At the end of 2007, I wrote that the theme of that year had been bittersweet and I thought the theme of 2008 might be balance. Of course, it was not, unless you consider the utter lack of it to be a theme. As I read through the last year and a half worth of posts, I see a shape emerge. A struggle to let go of the past and move on. I know very well how important it is to keep moving, not to bring the past with you, except as lessons and friends.
But if I outline that shape I see in my writing, as though I were tracing the path of the stars I see through a foggy window, I see something else. That what I mistook for the past was really part of me. And you can’t run from yourself. You learn how to take it with you.
I was reading the other day about how environment is secondary happiness. If you’re in emotional turmoil, it’s dificult to be cheered up by a sunny day. And that’s the other shape I see, hidden behind the first. My attempt to find happiness in small things. A sleeping cat. The way the sun reflects on the water. Writing.
Maybe struggling so hard to leave myself behind is what has made me so tired. I think I’m going to take a break from that and rest now.