back up plans

I had this moment of panic yesterday. I realized I wasn’t on any kind of ladder or path or any kind of plan at all about a career or a way to make money. That I was simply trying out things I liked, confident that I wouldn’t fail and become destitute and living in a cardboard box under a bridge.

The panic wasn’t that maybe I would end up that way, it was that I didn’t fear the risk. Shouldn’t I fear the risk? Weigh the consequences? Think things through? Am I being foolishly confident?

A few days ago, I was standing at the top of a pyramid in Mexico. It was the third time I’d been to these particular ruins. The first time, I stood at the base of the pyramid and looked at the top. I didn’t climb it. The second time, I was determined to get to the top, but it took effort and courage and panic. I had an amazing sense of accomplishment at the top, wrapped in utter terror. Last week, I climbed to the top and stood on the edge and looked down with not even a tiny drop of fear.

What changed?

I wonder if I should make back up plans for my career. The pyramid has a rope that you can hold on to as you descend the steep steps. I didn’t use it. I guess I’m letting go of the rope and walking down on my own in life too.

Life without a net.

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