Category Archives: Life

if you want more love, why don’t you say so

Do you ever open a browser and stare at the search box and just wonder what you could type in to get an answer? And you don’t even know the question, you just know you need the answer. Something. Somewhere. … Continue reading

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we’re all in the dark. we’re all in the sun

There’s this story I tell about my childhood. I was in first grade and I’d just learned how to read. I was super excited about it. Even at six, I was all about the next goal, about being perfect, always … Continue reading

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so this is how it ends

So. I found another spider during my daily pre-shower ritual. He was on the bathroom floor next to the tub. He was smallish, like the last one. But the same horrible kind, and smallish for giant house spiders is not … Continue reading

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this is my life now

About two years ago, I decided that I was finally ready for commitment again. I was tired of the temporary life, unanchored. Of knowing that when I went home, it was what was I was going home to for now, … Continue reading

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sometimes, i consider alternatives

Grey’s Anatomy (yes, I still watch Grey’s Anatomy. Shut up. You should too.) last night had this great scene where Meredith and Bailey and Amelia and the new sister of Meredith’s whose name I don’t even know yet were sitting … Continue reading

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cupcakes and bacon

You know how sometimes you’re just tired? And you probably have the energy to do something. But only something completely indulgent, like eating a hostess cupcake on the couch and watching “Bring It On”? And then you think, well, that’s … Continue reading

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not all moments feel like this, but sometimes they do

Sometimes, for no reason at all, I’m filled with anxiety. Or dread. Or foreboding. Or whatever that feeling is you get in dreams where you’re in college and it’s finals but you don’t know where your classroom is and you … Continue reading

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if then else

What if I pack it all in and clear my life and decide, for real, that I’m going to spend time writing every day? I purposely spend less time on activities that generate income. In order to write more. What … Continue reading

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this particular airport chili’s

I still have the bleedy eye. My doctor said that it would take between two and six days to heal but that I was a “faster healer” so it should be closer to two. I like to think I’m the … Continue reading

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toast

This morning, I accidentally caught glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. Until now, I thought that “she gasped” was a phrase made up for romance novels and mystery dinner theatre, but were I narrating a story about myself in … Continue reading

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the water’s green and blue and calm and warm

I’m sitting in a beach chair under an umbrella, looking out at the ocean. The water is that turquoise, clear blue green like you see on postcards or the pages of resort web sites. As you swim (and the water … Continue reading

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it was so important at the time

“You can’t hit a pregnant girl.” I had never hit anyone, pregnant or not, and I wasn’t planning on starting now. The very idea that I was about to be in a fight didn’t even make any sense. The only … Continue reading

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i left years ago but i’m still trying to get out

The first time I went to the prom, we drove through McDonald’s for dinner on the way. I was a sophomore in a tiny town in Oklahoma and my boyfriend was a senior. I don’t remember anything about the prom … Continue reading

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one time, in paris

So here’s a thing that happened: I was walking in Paris and happened upon this cafe with an outdoor courtyard of scattered tables under the trees. Inside was a little shop with upscale jams and honey and boxes of sugar … Continue reading

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choose your own adventure

I watched two women on the beach edging into the water. The waves crashed down and splashed them. They laughed and clung to each other and ran back to the safeness of the sand. Then they tried again. I sipped … Continue reading

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location

Maybe you never really know a place the first time you’re there. You’re walking around in the dark, hands outstretched, hoping you don’t fall down. You feel the turns, the sharp corners, the safe places. So next time — if … Continue reading

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you work at a smile and you go for a ride

Road trip: day 19 of who knows how many days. So far, I’ve mostly been driving in circles. The last time I fled the world with no plan and no end, I ended up in Paris, Barcelona, San Sebastian. This … Continue reading

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on a wednesday, in a cafe, i watched it begin again

Unlike Tay, I don’t mean that I met a boy. But it is Wednesday. And something’s beginning again. I’m just not quite sure what it is yet. Today, I climbed some rocks in Joshua Tree and looked out at the … Continue reading

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every autumn

I’ve heard that when alcoholics stop drinking for a while and then start up again, they don’t start over. Their bodies just pick right up where they left off, with black out binges right on day one. I think the … Continue reading

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because i’m free, nothing’s worrying me

When I was a kid, I really liked that BJ Thomas song, “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head”. Of course, it was entirely lost me, since I didn’t understand the concept of metaphor and thought it was about somebody who … Continue reading

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what a wonderful world this would be

Pandora has been playing Ingrid Michaelson, Anna Nalick, Pink, and now, out the blue, Hootie and the Blowfish. Suddenly, it’s 1994, and I’m sitting in the dark, narrow bar in Balboa where we listened to that album on repeat all … Continue reading

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the voices in my head

I’m trying to be in the world more. That’s it. My whole goal. Be in the world. At first, I thought I should strive for something slightly more ambitious, like join a club or take a class, but I’ve decided … Continue reading

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here’s what i remember

Here’s what I remember. A writer was going to teach a special class about writing at my school. It wasn’t open to everyone. You had to submit something you’d written and be accepted. I was. I remember that the class … Continue reading

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pages from my lost youth

“Long walks, long talks, after dark; We vowed we’d never forget. Now it’s hazy.” –Stay for a While, Amy Grant My senior year of high school was disjointed and confusing and wonderful and stressful and joyful and tragic and busy … Continue reading

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safe and sound

Childhood memories are rarely indifferent. If we remember something at all, we either truly love it or it fills us with hate, rage, shame, fear, regret. The childhoods of our memories are hybrids of blurry nostalgia and dark monsters under … Continue reading

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wolves and champagne

So I quit my job. Which is what has led me to this cafe in Paris lined with books, drinking espresso and reading a book about Phish and Insane Clown Posse. And identifying with it. The author writes: “Ambition had … Continue reading

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if not quiet, then peace

The thing about Paris cafes is that they’re noisy. I know they sound romantic and wonderful and presumably all you need to do is walk into a Parisian cafe and order an espresso and you’ll have a complete novel written … Continue reading

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giant spider alien tidal wave cliff

I try to do too many things at once. I don’t mean I have too many browser tabs open and I answer email while I’m on a conference call, although both of those things are true. I mean that I … Continue reading

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poor planning

It’s when you’re really sick and you can barely move and you think that maybe some really good medicine might help and of course, you’re not sick in a way that means you’re not hungry (because at least then you’d … Continue reading

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object of beauty

A couple of years ago, Steve Martin wrote a novel called An Object of Beauty that on one hand was an inside view of the art world, but on the other hand was about waiting for the other shoe to … Continue reading

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i don’t believe in anything but myself

Numerous books and articles and blog posts and well meaning advice givers exist with the lofty goal of helping one discover one’s purpose, what one really wants to do with one’s life, and so on. Quit your job! Move from … Continue reading

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an ode to indoors

I paid extra for the room with the patio overlooking the mountains. It has two comfy chairs and ottomans, a chaise lounge, a view of a beautiful sunny sky. I’m writing this from inside as I look out through the … Continue reading

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