don’t we all shop like this?

So how is that I ended up scrolling through shopping results online that included the “three hole love doll” and assorted silicone body parts?

It started innocently, really. OK, sort of. Some friends and I went to an event at this sex shop (that’s the sort of part) and we got gift bags that included the very best lip balm ever. I know. I didn’t think of lip balm as being a sex toy either, but there it was, with the waterproof vibrator and Hot Girls in Aprons and Oven Mitts DVD. (Perhaps that wasn’t the exact title, but you get the idea.) Anyway, the lip balm was awesome and later, I was talking to one of the friends who I went with about it and mentioned that I was running low. She said she was too and that she also had loved it, so right then and there, we drove back over to the sex shop to buy some more. Only they didn’t have any. In fact, they don’t sell it. They just happened to have it as part of the promotion.

What to do? Look for it online, of course. Which I did and amazingly enough, found it on Amazon (free shipping with Amazon Prime!). Only it came in a package of items called the “Goodhead Kit for Him, Mint”. Which includes all of the “essential oral sex tools to transform average head into unbelievable head.” I didn’t even know there were “essential” oral sex tools other than a mouth and here I thought I was a bit better than average. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong all this time!

Despite the effusive marketing speak, I didn’t know that I really needed a “love ring” to “watch him light up with joy”, so I thought I’d browse around a bit to see if the lip balm was sold separately. I scrolled past the regular stuff   (pocket rockets, bondage rope, the yumi anime love doll) and then came upon the rubber exercise “easy rider” balls with attached dildos (who knew?). But then I saw the vaginal enlargement pump. Really? Do people really want to enlarge their vaginas? I headed to the reviews to find out: “the cup is comfortable and there is a pressure release on the pump and cup which is great if you get a bit too brave.” Get a bit too brave? What DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??

The perfect pair breasts made a bit more sense and the reviewers for that are surprisingly helpful to each other: “just keep your eyes closed and you won’t get distracted”; “use baby powder liberally over every inch restoring it to a very silky soft feel”; “the coloring around the nipples wears off easily, but I don’t see that as a real problem”. And I was happy to discover that good ‘ole Doc Johnson is an equal opportunity fetishist as you can also get Belladonna’s foot soldiers (“each set contains one left foot and one right foot”!). Sadly, this item has no reviews.

In the end, the “essential” oral sex tools kit appears to be the only way I can get the lip balm. I guess I have no choice but to transform myself into someone who gives unbelievable head. The price I pay for good lip balm.

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