the voices in my head

I’m trying to be in the world more. That’s it. My whole goal. Be in the world.

At first, I thought I should strive for something slightly more ambitious, like join a club or take a class, but I’ve decided that small steps are enough for now. Get out of bed. Change out of my pajamas. Put on actual clothes. Go outside.

It sounds like I’m depressed, but I don’t think I am. I think I just want to keep sleeping and reading and writing for a while longer. And I could. But I could also easily become one of those crazy hermits who chases kids off the lawn, has an erratic hairstyle, and forgets how to make small talk.

I could order all my food from Amazon fresh, get all my books on my Amazon Kindle iPad app, I could even write books and self-publish them on Amazon. So who’s at fault here, really?

My¬†(truly)¬†expansive time off doesn’t end until tomorrow and already I’m weary. It’s exhausting to let people keep taking and taking but it’s also exhausting to continually keep them from taking and taking. I’m getting better at the latter but I’m not stronger at it. But I have to learn this careful art of give and take to live in the world. And it’s better to live in the world, right?

Maybe.

This morning, I went to church. If being in the world means talking to people, then I mostly failed, although I did say hello to my neighbors during the “say hello to your neighbor” portion. I spent most of the sermon wondering how there could possibly be a God, if he just sits around and does nothing unless we pray enough, after the pastor said we should “pray for peace”. So possibly the entire outing was a failure. But still. I left the house.

Later, I went to spinning class only because a friend absolutely made me. I think that venture was more successful in that I talked to people (well, her: one person) and I didn’t fall off my bike and die. Anytime I make it through spinning class without falling off and dying I consider it a success.

So, that’s it. That’s really all I accomplished today. Well, I got an email that told me I have a new Klout moment, but I don’t really think that counts. I finished Monica’s Story, but I definitely am sure that doesn’t count and in fact, I probably shouldn’t even admit that I read it. In any case, neither of those things involve leaving the house or being in the world.

I’ve started working on this novel, and I’ve been writing a lot of dialogue. When I’m not writing it, I’m listening to it. There’s not much time to talk to actual people when I’m holding up both ends of a conversation in my head.

I’m feeling a lot of pressure from a lot of different directions to do a lot of things that other people want. But maybe what I want is something else.

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