to be stone

You have those moments when everything is perfect and you think, this can’t last and one day I will feel indescribable sadness. But not today.

And then those moments of sadness come and you think it might be more than you can take and it’s not just one thing but it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened and another worst thing that’s ever happened. Something you’ve known would happen and have always dreaded and something you never, ever expected, a position you never thought you’d be in, years ago, when you were younger and dreaming of how your life might be.

And you go on, because you have to, but in those moments, it’s difficult to remember that there was a time when you thought to yourself, this, this moment now, is the happiest I’ve ever felt. And you wonder, really, what does happiness feel like? It feels so far away like maybe it never existed at all.

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