Some days I wonder what I’m doing with my life. My life is likely about half over and what am I doing? What have I done? I feel so aimless and I spend so much time on whatever comes up around me. Reactionary. And I think about how much I’ve done to get off the speeding trains that take all my control, that send me hurdling in directions that all I can do is try to keep up with. I’ve thrown myself off them with abandon — torn myself away at great cost.
And yet. What am I doing now?
I go ’round and ’round in my head but I never end up any place new. And I don’t know how to move forward or what to move forward to. And sometimes I think I’m happy but other times I sit in a dark room and all I can do is cry.
And the pull comes again to just run away. To leave this hermit crab shell for another. But all of these things I’ve tried before. And I end up in the very same place.
I keep thinking that maybe all I need is a break. To catch my breath. But it never comes.