drinking bacardi breezers, wearing ugg boots, and listening to country music

We’ve finally decided where to go on vacation. It went a little like this:

Where do you want to go?

Where do you want to go?

I asked you first.

Well, you’re a dirty pirate whore.

So are you.

Oh yeah.

We should go on an Alaskan cruise.

(research)

Oh. We need a lot more money because I want to climb glaciers and sled with puppies. And also have a huge suite with a wraparound balcony. And I want my butler to bring gourmet dinners to our room so we don’t have to get out of our pajamas and be nice to strangers. And I want to be on a small boat that can frolic with the whales. And I want our butler to bring me champagne sparkling with real gold. And I want the whales to learn my name and do an interpretative dance they choreographed just for me.

We don’t have enough money for that.

OK, let’s do that later when we’re rich.

OK! So where then!

Mexico! It’s cheap and they have lots of tequila!

I’ve been spending some time browsing the forums at various vacation message boards to get some ideas about what we should do and what we should avoid. I’m not looking to find the best place to have waiters pour tequila down my throat and twirl me around, so I can skip most of the threads. (I lived in Southern California when I was younger. I went to Tijuana many times. I think I’m full up for a lifetime.)

As I read through the questions, I have begun to wonder why some people go on vacation at all. I can excuse the partiers who just want to know the cheapest place to get drunk. I mean, the answer is probably right in your living room, since you get to skip out on airfare and hotel costs, but they want the ambiance of Mexico while they drink, and sure, they could get that El Torrito, but see, by “ambiance”, they really mean “girls who they can sleep with who they will not then run into and have to avoid every weekend thereafter”. I get it.

But I think some people are missing the point of vacation a bit. Why go somewhere completely different if you only want to experience things that are exactly as they are at home?

I don’t feel bad quoting these people and mocking them, because after all, they posted their dumbass questions on the Internet for all the world to see and mock and they are certainly free to mock any dumbass thing I might say here.

And so I present: questions about traveling to Mexico:

Should I take a bus or a taxi to get to Wal-Mart?

Do stores in Cancun sell individual bottles of mixed drinks (other than beer) such as bacardi breezers or that sort of thing?

Any recommendations for Italian food?

If I go to Wal-Mart and buy some Dos Equis when we first get to Cancun can I bring it back on the bus? Will the hotel let me take beer I buy outside the resort to my room? Any ideas on how I could keep it cold? I don’t think we will have a mini-fridge.

Are there bars I can go to and hear country music? I really like country music.

Can I buy Ugg boots in Mexico?

Yeah, I know. I’m kind of a bitch. But really. Country music and bacardi breezers in Mexico? And seriously, there were A LOT of questions asking how to get to Wal-Mart.

So, collectively, to these people who will never read this ever, I offer the answers you seek:

You are in Mexico. Don’t go to Wal-Mart. Go outside. Go buy a taco from a vendor on the side of the road. You do not drink bacardi breezers in Mexico (or, uh, actually anywhere), you drink tequila. You might try Italian food one night, but hell, if you’re going to an entirely different country, why not try their local food? And possibly their local music. Why drink beer in your hotel room that you smuggled in from Wal-Mart when you can get 2-for-1 specials at every bar in town?

I can see needing the Ugg boots though. I hear it gets pretty chilly at night.

And in case you’re worried about the poor guy without a mini-fridge, someone suggested he fill his tub with ice and bathe in the ocean. He seemed pretty jazzed about that idea, so I think he’s all good.

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