9 reasons I should get a new car

  1. My current car is purple. Who the hell wants a purple car? I blame a complete lack of discernment when I bought it. How long do I have to pay for a momentary lapse in judgement? Surely three years is time enough.
  2. The side mirrors don’t have defrosters. Which is clearly a safety hazard. This has been bothering me since the first week I bought the car and after researching online found that previous model years did have defrosters but for some inexplicable reason, my model year did not. Although apparently, all the wiring is still there, so some people replaced their side mirrors with ones found on totaled older models at junkyards, but that seemed really complicated so I have been driving with partial visibility this entire time.
  3. The button for the heated seat is hidden way down between the seat and the door so that it’s impossible to see and since it’s a toggle, I’m always peering down there when I’m driving to see what side needs to be switched and again, that has got to be dangerous both to myself and to those on the road around me.
  4. It gets terrible gas mileage. And it’s bad enough that it’s bad for the environment and my wallet, but it also means that I’m forever stopping at gas stations and it’s really cold out right now, so standing outside pumping gas sucks.
  5. I think I’ve only ever had one car longer than three years and why should I keep a car I hate longer than many cars I’ve liked?
  6. Did I mention my car’s purple?
  7. I shouldn’t have gotten an automatic.
  8. Life is too short to spend so much time driving around in an annoying car.
  9. I’ve driven a lot of crappy cars in my life. First there was the green Chevy Nova. Then, the a Plymouth Duster. And a Ford Falcon. And some old Honda that I was driving some friends around in when the clutch went right out on me and wasn’t that great since I was only able to go about three miles an hour and that’s just not how to impress your friends when you’re in high school. And there was that Mazda with the cracked engine block that I tricked the dealer into taking back while the tow truck driver hid around the corner. The one that I had in the shop one time and afterwards the engine made a terrible noise so I took it somewhere else and the mechanic there found that the previous one had not only left a wrench in the engine (hence the noise) but had also left screws off an exhaust manifold or something so that if I had run the air conditioner I could have been poisoned by carbon monoxide. And then the CRX that I really liked but that kept breaking down on me like the time the timing chain broke when I was in the mountains above Paso Robles and that other time I was in the middle of nowhere and a spark plug came loose. Do you know what an engine sounds like when a spark plug comes unattached? It isn’t a pleasant sound, I tell you that. And I thought surely I would be killed but then the guy who stopped not only had a little boy with him but he also offered me a drink of his coke, which somehow made me feel like he wouldn’t murder me and leave my body in a ditch and it turned out that he had a tool in his truck that was designed for attaching spark plugs to engines and so that was lucky. And then I finally got a brand new car as soon as I had any money at all, although of course it was the very cheapest new car you could buy with barely a radio and certainly without power windows. And several subsequent car choices were influenced by the person I was dating and/or married to (I know; this was entirely my fault, but I have grown since then). And so you see that I have paid my dues with cars and can I please have one I like now?
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