Author Archives: Alice

I keep trying things that don’t work. I guess that’s how life is, really. Either things work or they don’t. And there’s really no way to know. Except sometimes there is, of course. How any of us can ever judge … Continue reading →

You read between the lines and  fill in the white space. But between the words that are here is what I keep in my heart. Unchangeable, like gravity. Unsaid because it goes without saying. Like the sky is always watching … Continue reading →

She said I should follow my heart, and that made me stop and think because mostly no one has told me that. And mostly I always figured that what I should do is not follow my heart, but instead to … Continue reading →

My mind is full of unfinished things. We all like things wrapped up neatly, but some things just don’t have closure. Looking over this journal, for instance, I see I have 24 unfinished drafts. The oldest is from November 2004, … Continue reading →

I just remembered what’s worse than feeling like I’m not strong enough to make it on my own. Crying all the time. If I’m taking Zoloft only I know that I can’t cope. When everything makes me cry, everyone knows. … Continue reading →

I want to think that I don’t need a chemical substance to maintain my sanity. I want to believe that I am enough, on my own. That’s I’m strong enough, and independent enough, and smart enough, and emotionally capable enough … Continue reading →

I keep waiting before I write. Waiting until I can be witty. Interesting. Funny. And I keep waiting. And I’m still none of those things. I’m only tired. And the more energy I spend explaining to myself why I shouldn’t … Continue reading →

In mid-2007, I quit a job I liked very much because I wanted more of my life back for, well, life. Yet here I am, at 2am, with hours of work left, overdue projects undone, packing still to do for … Continue reading →

What I meant to say then is this. That life is loss, sure. But it’s not cause for despair, not entirely. If we get what we want there’s loss then too. An apartment in Paris in exchange for loneliness. So … Continue reading →

At point in our lives do we start quoting Jack Kerouarc? I think that I want to move to Paris or Dublin or Berlin. Pack up my books and give away the rest and get a small apartment above a … Continue reading →

I wonder that there’s not something about me that makes me perpetually busy, all the time. I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t busy, when I was bored, when I wondered: huh, what should I do … Continue reading →

I was reading something the other day that said we mostly have to learn the important lessons in life more than once. And that’s depressing, sure. Because learning the hard things are so, well, hard, and once you get through … Continue reading →

We build and plan and dream for the future. But all that building and planning and dreaming yesterday was for today. Did we dream we’d spend it planning yet again?

Some days I wonder what I’m doing with my life. My life is likely about half over and what am I doing? What have I done? I feel so aimless and I spend so much time on whatever comes up … Continue reading →

Reading the reviews for this book [which talks about women entrepreneurs], I was struck by the following: Alas she then writes how relationships may change. Marriages may fail, kids and friends my become distant, because your work needs so much … Continue reading →

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends, and spirit – and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that … Continue reading →

(I was flipping through a dictionary a few days ago, and that was the sentence used for the definition of “emerge”.) Three conversations I’ve had recently: One. During which I said that I had a lot of emotional baggage. Two. … Continue reading →

Today I cried for no reason. Not no reason at all, I suppose. But not reason enough to cry. I wasn’t even crying over some thing, I was just tired, stressed, overwhelmed, underwater. As I read my blog subscriptions through … Continue reading →

Change. It’s such a small, innocuous word. Little. Not momentous. It doesn’t roar or charge or give you any indication at all. That it’s hard. It’s scary. And it’s not just that what you have to do is difficult, it’s … Continue reading →

I had this moment of panic yesterday. I realized I wasn’t on any kind of ladder or path or any kind of plan at all about a career or a way to make money. That I was simply trying out … Continue reading →

There are two ways to drive to my apartment. The fastest way — the way I take most often — cuts right through town. The other way takes a bit longer, but the road follows the water, just across from … Continue reading →

I don’t think I can follow through with the things I’d like to resolve for 2008. I’d like to resolve to not be so fucking influenced by those around me and to take some damn control. Although how that can … Continue reading →

Independence is a long, hard road. And maybe we don’t ever get to the place where we don’t need people. Should we even want to get to that place? But there’s a balance (yes, balance again) between isolating yourself for … Continue reading →

I feel as though I should write an introspective of my year. That I should look back and remember where I’ve been and where I’ve come and what I’ve learned (I won’t; I will remember without writing it down). For … Continue reading →