Category Archives: Life

beautiful and dirty rich

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. I can’t say that I should have planned my life better, because of course, I did plan. I planned and planned and it was all wrong and came crashing down and I was … Continue reading

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i can’t be saved

A certain someone who has read this journal on occasion may see that title and think I’m at it again: all that “I’m an independent woman” rambling ¬†and OK we get it already, you’re independent and strong and don’t need … Continue reading

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firecrackers and beer for breakfast

On a bookcase in my living room is a framed photo of me and my grandma. It’s the summer of 1988. I have curly permed hair and am working at a fireworks stand by a lake in northeastern Oklahoma. I’m … Continue reading

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anyway you want it

“It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.” Sometimes it seems pointless to write when it’s been written so much better before. Sometimes I don’t have … Continue reading

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i want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life

Sometimes. Sometimes, something hits you. Maybe like you’re walking down a quaint dirt road in the country. The kind with fields of flowers on either side. Lovely, really. And you’re strolling by, looking up at the fluffy white clouds and … Continue reading

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and sometimes i’m joyous and frustrated at the same time

I think it’s like this. I say that I want a clutter-free life, my heart like stone so nothing can stick to it. But that’s not really true at all. What’s true is that I welcome complication, but only when … Continue reading

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sometimes i’m wrong

I like to think of myself as completely non-judgmental. Do anything, feel anything you want. We’re all human and different and complicated and anyway, life is hard. We’re all just doing the best we can with what we have. But … Continue reading

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i’ve made a different kind of life

I came to an agreement with myself about my mom today. For a long time, when I was growing up, I thought my mom was right about everything, that she had a direct line to God, and that if I … Continue reading

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any title would just be a cliche

Sadness isn’t linear. It’s not like hourglass sand, slowly running out until one day it’s gone. Sadness surprises you with its ability to hide and then confront you at the most unexpected moments. You want to get through things and … Continue reading

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good times never seemed so good

Things that are happy. I can do this. I know a lot of happy things. OK. Here goes. Girl scout cookies. I especially love tagalongs. The trouble is that I can eat an entire box without even noticing. Don’t judge. … Continue reading

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i don’t want to write today

Sometimes, I got nothing. I could write about how very sad I am that my cat is dying and that I have to somehow, somehow figure out how to make the decision of when to let him go only I … Continue reading

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new driver perspectives

Car service to the Miami airport, headed for my flight to Sao Paulo, Brazil, the conversation began as always: you travel so much — surely you don’t have a husband or children. But then, a departure: not a prediction of … Continue reading

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tired

I should have lots to write about. I’ve been traveling for weeks: Atlanta, New Orleans, San Francisco, a convoluted route through London and Istanbul to Israel, then Jordan, and now Cairo. Another day and then I’m off for a day … Continue reading

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my faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave

I am, of course, a liar. But you knew that already. You’ve read about how I don’t need anything except my independence and how the only true validation comes from within. And yet you’ve also read about how I love … Continue reading

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solitaire

Business travel is built around the idea of the solitary. When you check into business hotels, you’re given a single room key and there’s only enough of that awful hotel room coffee for one. You’ll often get a king size … Continue reading

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promise not to promise anymore

We all have pictures in our minds of who we want to be. And some days I’m just not that person. Some days I’m sad and useless and I have nothing creative or witty or interesting or smart to say. … Continue reading

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who needs love when the sandwiches are wicked and they know you at the mac store

Yesterday, between finishing overdue work for clients, attending a university board lunch, meeting with a potential client, having coffee with someone to talk about organizing an upcoming conference, and answering questions from my editor about my book, I managed to … Continue reading

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all the chances we’re gonna get happen here and now

Life’s a blur speeding past the window We’d love to stop but who has the time So much to do – we’re so far behind And we stay that way no matter how fast we go I wonder what’s the … Continue reading

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something else to add to the insanity list

It is so incredibly easy to slip into this place of letting the flaws of others — issues that have nothing to do with us — influence how we feel about ourselves. I don’t know why it’s such a comfortable … Continue reading

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dangerous places

I went to a bookstore yesterday. Bookstores are dangerous. Not all of us can simply open a door and walk into what our alternate life might be. Bookstores always make me feel ambivalent, and this visit was no different. On … Continue reading

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a life of peaceful contemplation

I can write about how I feel and what I’ve done and about moments and snippets of conversations and what I see as I walk through an airport. I’m not quite as able to transfer a landscape to a page: … Continue reading

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not all those who wander are lost

Quote seen on a wall of the Salt Lake City airport. Fucking Tolkien. Summing up in seven words what I’ve been trying to say in hundreds of journal entries. Two nights ago, I was at a dinner for an event … Continue reading

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life within movement

I live within movement. The cabs, the trains, the airplanes, the airport lounges, even the security checkpoints are my living room, my office, my route to work. The other day, someone was driving me to an event and asked if … Continue reading

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finding joy

I admit, I laugh a little when people phrase their statements as absolutes. As though I have ANY world wisdom at all and have any reason to be cooly looking over at anyone and laughing. I know. That’s part of … Continue reading

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all those things i can’t do

I used to think I was smart. But recent weeks have been filled with epiphanies completely new to me that likely everyone else simply calls “obvious stuff we’ve always known”. I thought I understood why someone would have a so-called … Continue reading

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warning: indulgence ahead

Once again, the stuff around me became too much. Everything took up too much space. I couldn’t breathe or think or write or see. My stuff was a fire and the smoke was choking me, surrounding me, hemming me in. … Continue reading

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tilting

You look out and you know that what you see isn’t really what is there. but you have glasses on (perhaps not so rose-colored) and baggage in the way, and everything is obscured by filters you just can’t quite see … Continue reading

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overlooking joy

I’m taking these private lessons, um, dance classes, aerobics. For working out. OK, fine, it’s pole dancing. And it is, in fact, I really great workout. My instructor throws in a lot of yoga along with the pole work. Helps … Continue reading

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wanted: one good cult

I want to change the world. Learn everything about the world. Be loved by someone who thinks I’m awesome. But at what point do I lower my expectations? Decide I’m approaching this life thing all wrong and that I’m not … Continue reading

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damn hedgehogs

Things that have made me cry this week: That part of that sappy Romeo and Juliet Taylor Swift Song that goes “you’ll never have to be alone, I love you and that’s all I really know”. A story on NPR … Continue reading

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100 things

You know how people make those links of 100 things to do or 100 places to see before they die? I don’t have anything like that. My list is mostly, “don’t die”. I wonder, would it be wrong to take … Continue reading

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everything takes up space

I have too many things in my head. I used to be able to hold it all there and have infinite room for anything. So I don’t have any practice at not letting it all in. Writing helps. Because it’s … Continue reading

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