gonna have a tattoo; gonna have an attitude

I’m thinking of taking up smoking. I think I’ll make it my new year’s resolution, in fact. Since I am completely unable to ever follow through with any my resolutions (still no slippers), I’m probably safe from all the badness those irritating commercials warn me about.

Smoking is appealing to my rebellious side, I suppose. And is a sign that the stubborn teenager inside of me is having issues with independence and control and having my own way. And that the cranky adult in me is saying, fuck it, I’ll do what I want.

Maybe it’s backlash for P. criticizing my Big Mac choices and being all disappointed every time I don’t make it to the gym. Fine, then, says my inner voice. See how you like this smoke!

I’ve never been a smoker, although if I’m with the right people, I might sneak a puff or two when I’ve been drinking a little too much. I used to go out with this group of girls (who I haven’t seen now in a really long time now) and we always ended up smoking somehow. For a while, we switched to cigars. And believe me, cigars do nothing to minimize the goldschlager hangover. Not that that stopped us.

I smoked for two weeks in high school, but it was during the summer and just too hot to inhale hot smoke. I may have been a rebel, but I still wanted my comfort.

More evidence of my nefarious behavior is in the title of this post. That’s right. I’m listening to Nick Carter’s CD. Although I realize that the title alone may not have given it away, since I was likely one of about five people who actually bought said CD. Nick Carter is terrible, right? Like not just his music, or that he was in the Backstreet Boys, or that he dated Paris Hilton, and now has a reality show with his brother, or writes songs with lyrics like “To all my girls in the USA; Ya got a fine thing goin’ on” or that he clearly was trying so hard to be the new Bryan Adams with that album, but all of those things and more. And yet, I still was crushing on him a bit when his album came out, even though his age made me feel a little dirty. I’m pretty sure he was over 21 by then though.

I’m not big on regretting things. Life is life. You live for a while and then you, well, don’t, and when you’re dead, does it matter that you got a tattoo?

My mom was always telling me I was going to regret things, but then I never regretted any of them, so maybe that caused me to lose my trust in the whole regret theory. For instance:

  • shaving my legs – once I started, I could never stop; I would hate it, etc. Whatever mom. What I would regret is not having smooth legs.
  • cutting my hair – I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair when I was growing up. I think this was because my mom wanted long hair, but her hair just didn’t grow long. So, she always said that when we got old enough to appreciate it, we would want long hair and would regret if we had cut it. My hair was straight down my back right up until high school. I was FINALLY allowed to cut it then. And I did. No, I have never not once ever regretted it. Ever.
  • having premarital sex -I don’t have to explain this one, right? But my mom has this whole spiel about how sex creates this emotional bond (that part can be true) and that once you have sex with someone you are bonded to them FOR LIFE and you will never be able to get over them or move on and your life will be completely screwed up FOREVER (that part, probably not so much true necessarily).

Things I have always wanted to do but have never done:

  • Get a tattoo
  • Pose for Playboy
  • Be a stripper

It’s far too late for me to pose for Playboy, and I no longer really want to work as a stripper, but I did buy a book a while back on how to dance like one. Surely it’s not too late for that. I would probably get a tattoo if brilliant inspiration about what to get would strike me.

The older I get, the more I think, fuck it. So what if this scares me. So what if this doesn’t follow all the rules. Maybe I’m getting selfish. Or maybe just becoming more aware of my own mortality. But I think back to everything I didn’t try when I was younger and I wish I had more of this perspective then. Not that I’m saying I should have kept smoking. But if I had taken up stripping in my younger days, I bet I would be a kick ass dancer now.

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