how not to make beef stew

Hmm… I think I’ll make beef stew. Let me just heat some oil in this pot, brown some meat that I’ve dredged in flour. OK, I’ll take out that batch of meat and add some more. Oh wait, looks like I need more oil. I’ll just add some and put in the —

Fuck! Fuck! Fire! Big fire! Big fire filling the entire pot and flames rising to the ceiling and smoke alarms going off and thank you very much I can SEE the fire I don’t need your incessant beeping in my ear that is making it really hard for me to concentrate on what I should do here.

OK. Fire. I need to put this fire out before it burns down my entire kitchen. How do I put out a fire? Water? I put water on– No. Water’s bad for grease fires. No water. Ack! Fire! Flames! Concentrate, dammit. What puts out a fire other than water?

I could cover the fire. With what? A towel? No, those flames are really fucking high and I think the towel would become ash in about two seconds. Wait! I put something powdery on the fire, right? Damn it you stupid smoke detectors, I GET IT. Shut the hell up.

What do I have that’s powdery? Salt? Should I put salt on it? Should I check the Internet? No, by the time I check the Internet the fire will have spread to my bedroom and then my neighbors will be really annoyed with me, and they thought my bird feeders were annoying. Ha, this’ll show them.

OK, I’m going for the salt before the flames entirely melt my microwave. Ack, I don’t want to get too close and burned to death. There. It did nothing. Crap. Let me try some more. OK, I think that helped a little. I’ll just keep throwing salt on it.

More salt.



OK. fire’s gone… another flame. Fuck. More salt.

Ok, I’m going to put the pot into the sink. Don’t turn on the water. Don’t turn on the water. Have more salt. Damn smoke detectors. It’s out, OK? Open windows. Open door. Jump up and down trying to wave the smoke away from the smoke detectors. Not tall enough. Damn, why am I so short.

Finally, quiet. The kitchen is covered with soot. I don’t think the pan is salvageable.

This entry was posted in Life. Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.