perhaps what i need is a pig

I have a spider in my bathroom. It’s not a small spider, although it’s not one of those crazy scary huge hairy ones either. It has a plump silver body and long skinny legs and it’s camped out on the otherwise nondescript ceiling in the corner of my shower. Every so often he throws his legs in the air and waves them around, but otherwise he seems pretty content to just hang out.

When I shower, I can’t turn my back on him for fear he might be one of those stealthy jumping spiders and will leap out and tangle himself in my hair when I least expect it. Or possibly he’s a tarzan-style jungle spider who can throw out his web like a lasso and then ride down it towards my face like a zipline.

I don’t know what to do about him. Or her. I’m actually more worried he’s a her. I dream of a thousand baby tarzan spiders, all zipping towards me at lightning speed, yelling their tarzan spider yell. And that vision is no Charlette’s Web, no matter what you might be thinking. Also, my shower has no pig.

I try to think positive thoughts: Spiders keep away other insects, not that I’ve had a big mosquito problem lately in my shower. Spiders can’t really hurt you, at least not this particular spider although it would be exceedingly foolish to think that no spiders can hurt you, especially those in Australia or the southwestern United States. Or the rain forest. Or California. Or… OK, I take that back. Just about every spider with the possible exception of my shower-dwelling friend can hurt you.

But instead of thinking positive thoughts, I mostly think (in addition to being sure I’ll be leapt on by her or her million babies), please don’t crawl on my face in my sleep, please don’t crawl on my face in my sleep. I don’t know why that seems to be the most torturous situation one could find oneself in, but there it is.

So every morning I ponder the hopefully male spider, and every day, he stays firming in one spot, wiggling his feet. I’ve considered capturing him in a container and putting him outside (I’m much too short and he would surely escape my prison and fly at me as I crashed to the ground and ended up at the spider’s mercy as I lay there unconscious). Or I could aim the shower spray at him and wash him down the drain (spray would likely just make him mad and cause him to jump towards my face and … well, you get the picture; also I’ve seen 20/20 — he would just return from the dripping bowels of the drain and rise once again to sit in my corner, only this time, he’d be back for vengeance).

Maybe he’ll go away on his own, although if he does I’d worry about just where he took off to (and is he hiding in a nice dark spot so that as soon as I close my eyes he can strike and/or have his million babies?). My choices are few. It’s come down to this.

Anyone free to come by and take care of my spider problem for me? Yes, it’s an unusual hit, and the target is slippery. He can escape by web vine, superspider leaps, or wiggling legs. Also watch for him jumping into your hair. Might be pregnant with a million tiny spider demon babies. Consider bringing a pig to talk him down.

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