the thing I never write about, part two

The other day, when I was writing about the thing I never write about, I mentioned that I’ve thus far lost about 15 pounds. And for me that must be the magic number at which it becomes noticeable because I’ve had a bunch of people ask me if I’ve lost weight in the last week or so. So, that’s really great, except that the compliments have been very suspicious.

“I don’t want you to think that I’ve been staring at your ass, but it looks great!” (This from a female friend. She then looked at P. and said, “I hope you don’t mind that I’m staring at your girlfriend’s ass,” and he said, “Not at all! Please continue!”)

“I have the opposite body type that you do. I carry all my weight up top.” (This from a female coworker.)

And the kicker:

“You’ve lost 15 pounds? My God. You’ve lost it all from your ass!” (From another female coworker.)

All of which tells me that I have no breasts and an enormous ass. No weight up top! All the weight on the bottom! I’m surprised my ass has been fitting through doorways based on these remarks. The funny thing is that while I generally am aware of which areas of my body are my more attractive parts and which could use a little work, I had no idea about my ass. I never look at my own ass, as true study would require mirrors set up in careful geometric angles, which would be way too much work for me to arrange. (The avoidance of work being what got my ass into this situation in the first place.)

So, now I spend my time in the mirror twisted around like a pretzel, hoping to see if I’m continuing to make progress in the ass region. I would ask P., but for some reason completely unknown to me, when I ask him if my ass is fat he runs from the room and refuses to come back until I agree to “stop tricking” him with my land mine-style questions. But I am so totally not tricking him. I just want him to tell me if my ass is fat. So I can stop twisting around like a crazy person and squeezing my ass to see if I can figure out just how huge it is. There’s no trick there.

Maybe I should ask him about the breast thing too, just to get his take on it. He couldn’t possibly think that’s a trick question, right?

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